Just because I self-harm or don’t eat properly doesn’t mean I agree with it, promote it, or like it.

(Source: sincerityofselfabuse, via sticklyyy)

be like a postage stamp, stick to one thing until you get there

friday, july 15, 2011

i have done very well this week and i am especially proud to say i barely ate yesterday. yesterday was warped tour, i really wanted to be 105 and honestly i didnt weigh myself because i knew i would be a very high weight, higher than i hoped for, so i have no idea how close to that i truly was. i had two smoothies, a lemonade, and some fries. the person i was with wouldnt leave me alone so i ate a few fries to shut him up. i then came home and ate about 400 calories in various foods :/ it felt so weird to have food in my stomach, i did not like it at all, i went to bed with something in my stomach and i could not sleep. then today i skipped the gym, i was too exhuasted, gut i ate some tortilla chips :/ ugh. i hate the feeling of being bloated, i just like to be pure and empty. i can feel myself falling apart, its like i am watching myself from a distance and i cannot stop myself. i can feel my body breaking down, my heart struggling to beat, and its like i dont care. controling how i look is the one thing i can control, the one thing i have absolute control over. i know its unhealthy to not eat, but isnt it just as unhealthy to eat, to fill your body with poisin. i just hear all the voices of everyone calling me fat. i was never overweight, i was not naive, i knew i was bigger than people, but i always thought i was just average, then everyone pointed out to me i was fat. my ex would always make fun of me, jiggling a fat thighs or grabbing my ass, he told me countless times i needed to go to the gym. and my mom, ugh my mom, she always had to point out that clothes didnt look good on me and i needed to be “careful” of what i wear. even my own grandmother had to compare me to my cousin. well i will prove to all of them i can be pretty, i can be thin, and i will succeed.  i am working so hard and i feel like the weight just isnt coming off, ive hit a plateau. i am not eating and not losing. i really want to go to college thin. i bought a pair of skinny jeans from hollister, size zero and thats my inspiration, i want to wear them the day i move in, i want them to go on easy, i want to quit struggling to squeeze into clothes. i know ill get there, i just want it to be here already, i want everyone to see me and be stunned. i want to be girls thinspiration and boys to wish i was with them. maybe once i lose weight i can get a good guy who will treat me right. maybe once im skinny ill be happy again, its been so long since i woke up happy. im going with some friends tomorrow swimming and to get pizza. i am freaked. i dont want to wear a bikini and i dont want to eat, but i cant hide it from them, im gonna have to. i am stressing out about a “fun” outing. i just want to be left alone in my room to starve, why cant everyone just let me be, i am being myself. whats so wrong with me that everyone tries to change me, to influence me. am i really that horrible of a person. am i truly that flawed that everything i do is wrong. ill be perfect soon and hopfully good enough. the suckiest part of all of this is i thought id be happier. i just graduated, im out of high school, so why do i still feel like this, its almost worse.

xoxo

the flat stomach is nice, but a concave one is perfect

monday, july 11, 2011

i have been so distant from tumblr :(, i was just sick of making posts about my failure, i wanted to get on track so my posts would be of my success instead. so i have taken this past week or so to get on track and need less to say i have! i have officially gone three full days with no binging, barely eating, no late night food, and going to the gym. my hunger pains are vanishing a little more and more with every passsing moment. im back to surviving on the bare minimum, just getting enough so i dont black out. i believe if i recall correctly i was 121 on friday, tonights weigh in…114.6 which overall is really great but i was aiming for 111. the perfectionist in me will never fully be happy with anything until im back below 108. this week is my deadlines, thursday is warped tour. i really want to be 105 for warped, but i kind of doubt that will happen, no matter how hard i work out and how little i eat. but ill deffinately hit that by saturday, if all goes well ill be at a friends house swimming, first time ill be wearing a bikini in years, so i need to look outstanding. so that guy i mentioned before, that a friend wanted to set me up with, i met him saturday, looking like a fat cow :( i could not find any clothes that looked cute and fit, it was horrible and i felt like shit. but i swore to myself the next time i see him ill have a smoking hot body, all the more reason to be perfect saturday. im back and i feel great, i dont think about food, if i try to eat i get sick…my body just refuses food, its sick of it, and i love it. i feel so amazing, so light and full of energy, like i can tackle anything. only a few more pounds and i can relax about weight loss, i just need to be under 108, then i dont care if it takes six months to get to 101, i need 108 though. im getting so close i can almost taste it. but im starting to run on empty, i cant work out hard and eat nothing, one has to give, i either have a half ass work out or i eat a little something, i dont know which is better though. to eat but immediately burn it off plus more or to not eat but not burn as much. i have some new decsions and tricks i need to test, but for now im back!

xoxo

food is the enemy

saturday, july 2, 2011

i am doing alright i suppose. i have devised a new plan “three a day”. this plan is a plan for me to lose three pounds a day. as soon as i wake up and get around i hit the gym, i love waking up and going hard at the gym. now dont get me wrong, i sleep in, i wake up between ten and noon. but after i work out on an empty stomach i am quite empowered, i dont want to eat much for the day and i have natural energy, and i lose weight fast. after my “morning” workout i lose two pounds, well more like the scale shifts two pounds. i then go throughout my day. i have also made a discover that fasts do not work for me. the more i try to fast the more i eat and the more i put on weight. for now i am not fasting, i am eating very very tiny amounts of food, i keep it under 500 a day, or try. my downfall is always eating at night, snacking upon everything. however i have been keeping it under control lately. i can not eat all day easily, but once the sun goes down i have to use every trick to keep from eating. basically i get one meal a day, and i try to not eat it till 5 so that i feel satisfied at night. so throughout the day i “put on a pound”, not really but the scale shifts back up a pound. i then work out in the evenings. i go back to the gym to work off the food i ate plus a little extra. this is difficult because friday, saturday, and sunday the gym closes at seven. however i try to make it back, and throughout the week they are open all day so its ok. that workout shifts the scale back two pounds. so throughout the day i lose three pounds. and the best part is that then i sleep, you lose weight when you sleep so by sleeping i maintain the new weight, so i really do lose three pounds a day. this new plan excites me so much and honestly i feel great. i just hope i can keep it up, i have been doing this for a few days but since it is the weekend i could not hit the gym after i ate so i didnt hit the tree a day mark, but i am still quite successful. tonight i weighed in at 115.8. which may not seem amazing but thursday i was 119, and i have been eating. tomorrow i can go to the gym before work, but they close before i can get there again, i am hoping one workout will be good enough to hit in the 113s, that is my goal for tomorrow since i cant do the gym twice. wish me luck dearies <3

xoxo